Better days

11/10/2019

I like to investigate

The quality of my existence

The first 20 years were sound

Some kids hated school

I had the time of my life

Proud to be a ‘D’ student

First kiss, first blowjob, first fuck

It seems only fair

That the next ten years should be

A slow descent into hell

Culminating with

The jail psych unit

In a suicide prevention smock

Facing “Life, no parole”

Completely insane and terrified

I can’t think of a worse situation

You could find yourself in

In the Western world

But something happened

A ray of hope

The possibility of innocence

Through sheer, pure madness

And a gradual adjustment

To life on the inside

And the nightmare of my 20’s

Has given way to a mindset of hope

As I slowly come to live with it

Treat it all as character building

A great big adventure

Someday I’ll break down and cry

But it won’t be tears of despair

Or sadness

It will be for joy

That I made it through

The worst this life could throw at me

I spent the first three months of my jail time in the Crisis Support Unit. A sort of psych ward within the jail where they send inmates that are either suicidal or in a state of psychosis or in my case both. The idea is to provide an environment where suicide is just not logistically possible; this means that you don’t get normal clothes or blankets. Instead you get a rigid tear proof smock and rigid tear proof sheets and nothing else except for a foam mattress, a sink and a toilet with no seat. You’re locked in 23 hrs a day and when you are allowed out there’s nothing to do anyway. Aside from the horror of this new environment I was severely mentally ill.

The plus side of all this is that now, no matter how bad things get, they’re nothing compared to the reality I was facing at that point in time and I’ll never take the simple joys of freedom for granted.

Freedom is bliss!

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