11/10/2019
I like to investigate
The quality of my existence
The first 20 years were sound
Some kids hated school
I had the time of my life
Proud to be a ‘D’ student
First kiss, first blowjob, first fuck
It seems only fair
That the next ten years should be
A slow descent into hell
Culminating with
The jail psych unit
In a suicide prevention smock
Facing “Life, no parole”
Completely insane and terrified
I can’t think of a worse situation
You could find yourself in
In the Western world
But something happened
A ray of hope
The possibility of innocence
Through sheer, pure madness
And a gradual adjustment
To life on the inside
And the nightmare of my 20’s
Has given way to a mindset of hope
As I slowly come to live with it
Treat it all as character building
A great big adventure
Someday I’ll break down and cry
But it won’t be tears of despair
Or sadness
It will be for joy
That I made it through
The worst this life could throw at me
—
I spent the first three months of my jail time in the Crisis Support Unit. A sort of psych ward within the jail where they send inmates that are either suicidal or in a state of psychosis or in my case both. The idea is to provide an environment where suicide is just not logistically possible; this means that you don’t get normal clothes or blankets. Instead you get a rigid tear proof smock and rigid tear proof sheets and nothing else except for a foam mattress, a sink and a toilet with no seat. You’re locked in 23 hrs a day and when you are allowed out there’s nothing to do anyway. Aside from the horror of this new environment I was severely mentally ill.
The plus side of all this is that now, no matter how bad things get, they’re nothing compared to the reality I was facing at that point in time and I’ll never take the simple joys of freedom for granted.
Freedom is bliss!
