Paradise lost

The tears didn’t flow; I would have felt better if they did.

28/2/2020

When I cried at the airport

It was the third time as an adult

For a grown man to cry it takes

Next level catastrophe

And so it was

My life had taken a turn for the worse

I thought about:

My soul and the soul

Of the love of my life

Drifting in the clouds

None of the weight of modern life

Free forever

To enjoy each others company

I saw it all coming

The cold terror, black misery and death

The hard years on the inside

And the worst kind of nightmare life

So much so that I thought

I had died and gone to hell

And I was becoming

Truly out of touch with reality

I had lost my mind

When I cried in the airport

Is was for paradise lost

—

It takes a lot for a grown man to cry, the weight of the issues in my life and losing the great love of my twenties crashed into me and shook me so hard I buckled and sobbed.

Strangely though when I first got locked up and thought I might be spending life in the slammer I didn’t cry. I thought when I got released I would cry tears of joy but nothing came. It’s probably a good thing to be a little more resilient these days but sometimes I wish I was more alive to my emotions and could feel a little melancholy or a little content when it’s appropriate.

The tears didn’t flow; I would have felt better if they did.