Status Anxiety

I know that these feelings will pass.

12/12/2020

Falling fast and falling free

Too much reality is a terrible thing

They say run your own race

But it’s hard not to compare

Yourself to all the winners

That never faltered on the golden path

And no woman will ever compare

To the brightest star in my sky

Who left me cold

And I couldn’t blame her

With the baggage I carry

But all the hard work

And positive energy in the world

Can’t heal these wounds

And I’m the master

Of silver linings and glasses half full

But my relentless striving

Feels futile

In the face of status anxiety

And the endless sausage fest

Of life post release

So like Tom Waits

Wake up every day

Get behind the mule and plow

Sow seeds of beauty and light

Hit the gym

Work hard

Upgrade everything

Keep the vices in check

And hop like a bastard

That this feeling passes

—

Lately I’ve been having some uncharacteristic highs and lows, a few days ago at work I felt extremely depressed and later that day I felt just fine.

For the first 6 months of life post release I was comparing myself to crims and as such felt great about where I was positioned in life. Now after some time on the outside I’m starting to compare myself to regular folks and it’s kind of depressing.

I know that these feelings will pass but for now it burns my soul like a dog from hell.