Nectar

Faith was rewarded when I made it to freedom. 

17/07/2021 

Something fierce 

Is in my soul 

They said I would die in there 

In the cinder block walls 

And I believed it too 

All hope was lost 

But something inside 

Just wouldn’t quit 

That certain something 

Call it resilience of spirit 

Kept me alive 

Through days darker 

Than most will ever know 

They both feared and respected me 

For the brutality of my crime 

Only other lifers 

Dared test my resolve 

And I never did cry 

The truth is some do 

And never say die 

Became my attitude 

As the days, weeks months, years 

Passed by in the worst kind of way 

Meaningless suffering 

My bread and butter 

But something inside 

Just wouldn’t die 

Things got easier 

The truth is they sometimes do 

And like Andy Du Frey 

I made it through the river of pain 

And into freedom again 

Where something in my soul 

Keeps me from despair 

And I drink deeply  

From the nectar that is  

Facing each day 

As a free man once again 

One of the first things said to me when I got locked up was ‘you’ll die in here’. I was in the Crisis Support Unit on suicide watch with severe mental health problems facing a lengthy stay in the slammer.  

I could have ended my own life then and there but something in my soul was holding on to hope. That faith was rewarded when I got a manageable sentence and again when I made it out to freedom.  

The only positive from facing such dark days is that little dramas just seem laughable in the context of my life experiences as a whole. 

Never give up.

Omar Musa

“Some of the most wonderous people I knew were self destructive”

I’ve decided that every Friday I’m going to share some of the poetry that inspires me. The first one is a lad that grew up a stone’s throw from where I live and work in Queanbeyan NSW. An author, poet and Hip Hop artist that cuts to the core of growing up in the multicultural suburbs of Australia. Enjoy!

Sailors Song

We are all at the mercy of the sea. 

12/07/2021 

Softly I sing 

My sailors song 

It’s both happy and sad 

Roaring and soft 

Proud yet humble 

Dashing yet shy 

I sing it to the stars 

That they might remember me 

As more than a rogue 

As more than a black sheep 

The melody is mysterious 

The rhythm is bleak 

And the overall theme 

Is what could have been 

So sing with me fellow sailors 

That it might ease our woes 

That it might remind us 

Of love lost and love found 

Of the sweet taste of freedom 

And the finer moments in life 

Oh yes,  

My sailors song 

Could bring a tear to the eye 

For the good and the bad 

And remind us all 

That we are at the mercy of the sea 

Forever beholden  

To the wind and the waves 

That know no mercy 

That care not for our souls 

Sail on, sail strong 

And never give in 

To despair 

To desperation 

To despondency and doubt 

Let my song guide you 

To calm seas and dry land 

Another nautical one that was fun to write. If I put my story to song, I’m confident it would make the listener happy and sad in equal measure.  

I try to be the sort of person that helps people back from the metaphorical high seas and dramas in life.  

At the end of the day, we are all at the mercy of the sea. 

The Beauty Inside

The miracle of life for me is that anything works as well as it does.

07/07/2021

The complexity of life 

Is truly mind blowing 

7.8 billion humans 

And each one of the billions of cells 

Found in each human body 

Is far more complex 

Than the largest super computer 

Let the synapses  

Of my brain  

Fire again 

Let the beauty inside 

Remind me that when 

All hope is lost 

No matter the cost 

Life is amazing! 

The dramas that dance chaos 

Through the calm of our souls 

Is a reminder that 

We are a flawed species 

Life could be heaven  

Life could be bliss 

If we could evolve past the instinct 

To make war, to practice evil 

To turn on our fellow man 

Share a smile for good 

Shed a tear for the bad 

And be completely surprised 

As am I 

That anything in this world 

Works as well as it does 

— 

This is all common knowledge but maybe it doesn’t hurt to think about from time to time. 

I remember reading some years ago that 1 in 5 of people will experience depression in their life. It’s probably increased since then but I find it completely astonishing that most people won’t. Who are these people that are routinely happy their whole lives? 

The miracle of life for me is that anything works as well as it does, the supply chain, city infrastructure, buildings mostly not falling down. It blows my mind that we are so close to having things sorted and so far at the same time.  

Pray you are one of the lucky few who have a smooth ride through this world and know if you don’t it will only make you stronger. 

Safe Harbor

The stars navigating us towards home is just my kind of thing. 

04/07/2021 

Lost at sea 

Was the cinderblock walls 

Back to dry land 

Was the first kiss of freedom 

At war with the kraken 

Is to be haunted by 

The ghost of what could have been 

Like a broken sailor 

In the back of the bar 

I nurse my wounds 

And venture forth with courage 

To the next chapter 

That I easily could have missed 

The white whale haunts me 

And I never found my Brandy 

Such a fine girl 

What a good wife she would be 

So now I curse the sea 

For the scars on my soul 

For the ash in my mouth 

And the loss of control 

To shape my own destiny 

Every move colored black 

By the weight of the world 

By the things left unsaid 

By the endless parade  

Of regret and remorse 

The sea was merciless 

Now the solace of safe harbor 

Is tainted by the memory 

Of things destined for the grave 

We fight the sharks in our dreams 

And broken sailors 

Learn to find peace 

In the healing of virtue 

Of time spent lost in tranquil thoughts 

I’ve always loved nautical metaphors, the idea of an anchor meaning steady at sea, a lighthouse warning people against danger and the stars navigating us towards home is just my kind of thing. 

A good friend put me on to a podcast about sea shantys and whale song and it resonated with me in a lovely way. I plan to write more nautical stuff in the coming weeks. 

The Warrior Caste

Fight hard for the things you love. 

26/06/2021 

When the pen hits the paper 

It’ll be sensational 

When ideas start to bloom  

It’ll be bloody biblical 

When the red wine flows 

It’ll take me home 

On my own to my throne 

Where I focus on the zone 

Concentrate on my zen 

At ease with the pen 

As my soul seeps South 

Through the words from my mouth 

Explosions of thought 

Synapses firing 

New pathways 

Breaking habits 

Finding meaning 

Finding solace 

Like the warrior flawless 

Willaim Wallace 

Only free from dying 

Not dying for freedom 

Free from lying 

And lying to free them 

The way forward 

The way of the sword and 

For me the path 

Is the warrior caste 

Fighting hard  

Fighting well 

Cos life is hell 

But when the pen hits the paper 

It’ll all be fine by me 

—- 

This one was fun to write, aided by several glasses of red wine and an enjoyable weekend. 

If modern life is war be a warrior worthy of the challenge, fight hard for the things you love and wage war on a sea of troubles.  

Don’t settle for less than a life worth remembering. 

My Cozy Den

Existence is truly a special thing. 

21/06/2021 

Delight in the night 

Downtime and daydreams 

In my cozy den 

Where I dance with the pen 

The creative one 

My cross to bear 

And my badge of pride 

That I may be remembered  

For words that remain 

Positive against the odds 

As courageous golden laughter 

Permeates the depths of our souls 

That we may be so bold 

To smile through the heartache 

In the morning mist 

I search for meaning 

Like it’s a lost dog 

A one in a million chance 

That I may salvage 

A little kindness and content 

From the world around me 

That sits stubborn as a rock 

But I’m a patient man 

Strong as an ox 

In my own way 

So I mine this modern life 

For the healing light of contentment 

Some days are good 

Some days are rough 

But never waste a drop 

Of this elixir that is 

Life in the modern world 

And existence itself 

— 

As tough as the days are trying to prove myself at the new job, the evenings are bliss. Without doing anything too special I am in a remarkably good headspace when I’m just chilling at home.  

Trying to recapture something approaching the happiness of youth is proving tough and maybe I never will, but I am determined to fight hard for something better than just getting by. At the end of the day I feel blessed to have been given a life, free to live to the best of my ability.

Existence is truly a special thing. 

A Fortress Inside

Every day is better than the day before.

20/06/2021   

A glowing gem 

Of a brand-new day 

And everything that could possibly happen 

Is happening somewhere 

A shining diamond 

Of a treasured friend 

Lightens up the landscape of my soul 

A golden light 

As love unravels 

Leaving a void to be filled 

With fresh adoration 

I don’t have to ask 

For the joy that is 

Every day easier than the last 

I don’t have to ask 

For the joy that is 

My family to be proud 

As I forge on 

The black sheep 

The wayward soul 

The wild one 

And the prodigal son… 

Is turning a corner 

Is finally come good 

And nothing is truly perfect 

So accept all that is 

Be stoic and brave 

When the hardship strikes 

The universe will remember you 

As one who fought and won 

The toughest battles 

Of your generation 

Of your society

Be a rock 

Stand tall 

And when the demons come knocking 

Answer with strength and purpose 

That your life was never forfeit 

A fortress inside  

That nothing can defeat 

I’ve been through some tough times and I think it’s made me strong and resilient in a way that only serious hardship can. If I think about how my mind works and the determination I have, compared to who I was in my early twenties I never would have thought I would be the kind of person I am today. There is still much work to be done but I nurse a little pride for where I am in life.

Everyday gets better than the day before.  

The Promised Land

Never lose sight of how it could’ve been. 

19/6/2021 

Strange Days  

Always 

Angels and Demons 

Push and pull 

Good men ruined 

By addiction 

Depression 

Mediocrity 

Deep in thought 

I remember to be 

Just happy to be 

A free man 

With a job 

With a place 

And a few good friends 

I bought records today 

Imagine the luxury 

Compared to cinder block walls 

Compared to headaches 

Bad food, fire alarms, violence 

Strange Days 

Always 

Myriad choices 

Every decision resonates 

For days, weeks, years, 

Try to have more good news than bad 

And everything worth doing 

Takes five years to master 

So as always 

I knuckle down 

To the task at hand 

And wait to find the promised land 

Or maybe, just maybe, for the promised land to find me 

—-

Sincere apologies to my readers for going off the grid for so long without an explanation. I started a new job, was studying by night and was in a bit of a depressive rut.  

I’ve started writing again and intend to start posting on a regular basis. 

I have to remind myself when I’m a little depressed that not that long ago I was doing it so much tougher. I’ve been collecting records and have my own car, place and job so in a lot of ways things are actually pretty awesome. Always room for improvement but things could be so much worse.  

Gratitude in all things, let me never lose sight of how it could’ve been. 

Something New

Float on and live without despair. 

4/2021 

Something fresh 

Something new 

The next chapter 

Of a heart that’s true 

Work hard as always 

Live for the weekend 

Solace and meaning 

As I eliminate weakness 

Demons everywhere 

 I avoid them like the plague 

Traps and falsehoods 

The fucked-up bed I’ve made 

Cos it’s hard on the outside 

To steer clear of your vices 

When your peers are the cream 

Of the criminal classes 

It’s hard to find work  

With a criminal record 

It’s hard to find friends 

As a thirty-four-year-old adult 

But I’ll wait patiently  

For things to change 

Look for the best in me 

In this world so strange 

Cos this is the greatest 

Show on earth 

Existence in the present world 

The miracle of your birth 

We have enough to eat 

A rood over our heads 

Technology and wonder 

A warm cozy bed 

So give thanks for our blessings 

Give thanks for our time 

We are given on earth 

And the meaning we find 

No matter how hard it gets 

It can all float away 

Never give up 

Tomorow’s a new day 

—-

I’ve been having a break from the poetry, partly to focus on my studies and career prospects and partly that I feel I have said everything that’s on my mind already. I don’t do a lot of rhyming stuff but this one felt natural. 

Life after incarceration is full of challenges, finding work and figuring out when to tell a date about my past are often a struggle. Somehow, I manage to float on and live without despairing or losing hope. 

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