Status Anxiety

I know that these feelings will pass.

12/12/2020

Falling fast and falling free

Too much reality is a terrible thing

They say run your own race

But it’s hard not to compare

Yourself to all the winners

That never faltered on the golden path

And no woman will ever compare

To the brightest star in my sky

Who left me cold

And I couldn’t blame her

With the baggage I carry

But all the hard work

And positive energy in the world

Can’t heal these wounds

And I’m the master

Of silver linings and glasses half full

But my relentless striving

Feels futile

In the face of status anxiety

And the endless sausage fest

Of life post release

So like Tom Waits

Wake up every day

Get behind the mule and plow

Sow seeds of beauty and light

Hit the gym

Work hard

Upgrade everything

Keep the vices in check

And hop like a bastard

That this feeling passes

Lately I’ve been having some uncharacteristic highs and lows, a few days ago at work I felt extremely depressed and later that day I felt just fine.

For the first 6 months of life post release I was comparing myself to crims and as such felt great about where I was positioned in life. Now after some time on the outside I’m starting to compare myself to regular folks and it’s kind of depressing.

I know that these feelings will pass but for now it burns my soul like a dog from hell.

Perfection

I endlessly wonder if everything happens for a reason.

3/12/2020


Highs and lows

Still no one knows

Just when it happens

That it’s your time to go

And me I’m nothing

If not a survivor

So I live without fear

Live like there’s no tomorrow

And learn like I’ll live forever

I always find

The silver lining

And the glass half full perspective

And while I’m not exactly where

I would’ve wanted

At age sixteen

But it could have been

A thousand times worse

Glass half full

The push and pull

Of freewill vs fate

There are programmes

In my head

That sent me to hell

And programmes

That got me through that hell

To a place that’s strange and significant

Let the summer sun

Burn away the filth

Let the ocean

Wash away the dirt

Of a decade of misfortune

And bad decisions

Make no mistake

Life is as beautiful

As it is ugly

And maybe we all fall

In between the good and the bad

And reach a certain kind of perfection

In our dying breath

Where all of a sudden

It all makes sense

And there’s nothing left

To meet the angels and embrace

The mystery of eternity

I borrowed the learn like you’ll live forever line from a good friend who says it often. I believe that we need novelty and new information to live well cognitively.

It’s a beautiful thing to evolve and change in the light of freedom and inner strength. Every day a decade of misery gives way to a future of hope and content.

I really like the idea of reaching perfection in our dying breath and I endlessly wonder if everything happens for a reason or if life is just chaos.

That Summer..

Bring on the summer.

1/12/2020

I have a feeling

That this summer

Will be special

Like the New Years of old

Looking for a countdown kiss

And I know

We’ll drink some

We always do

And the first Christmas at home

In six long years

Is a joy that few know

Bring on the beer bong

The goon of fortune

And the silver pillow

Let’s mess with our mates

When they pass out on the floor

With textas and tattoo guns

Let love blossom

Pairing up with the beautiful women

That we’ve always dreamed of

Dancing like kings

And trying new things

In the warm glow

That a house party brings

And this time I won’t

Take it for granted

For a good social scene

Is a marvelous thing

Corona all but conquered

In our part of the world

So no hesitation to see

Where the night leads us

We’ll improve our lives

And slowly claw our way back

To the best version of ourselves

As the summer heat

Incubates our luck

Running amok

In the city of my birth

We are the soul

Of this experimental city

It’s been a long time since a summer has held so much potential for me.

In Australia we have a game called ‘Goon of fortune’ where you clip a bag of cask wine to a Hills Hoist clothes line and spin it around like Wheel of Fortune and whoever it lands on drinks. I happen to have one in my backyard and friends coming around on the weekend so we may relive our youth and have a crack at it.

The city of Canberra is an experiment in many ways, special planning, architecture and features and I feel that the social scenes that rise and fall are the soul of this town.

Bring on the summer.

Never Again

Temptation is everywhere.

30/11/2020

Healthy, wealthy and wise

Success the ultimate prize

And I give myself two years

To go from zero to hero

Repair the damage

And create grandkids

And oh the pain some still remains

6 years of life down the drain

And they all want to know

What it’s like on the inside

Scarily easy

So you no longer fear it

And were it not

For the team in my corner

The supportive family

The friends and co workers

And the angels of the system

It would be easy to slip up

Fall down and get locked up

But I’m cunning

I stalk the beast of temptation

And fire off rounds of will

The only good kind of kill

So that my mother

Never again

Has to see her son through prison glass

Recently I was lucky enough to spend a weekend with  my uber successful older brother, and learned a lot about success and life skills. I love my job driving a forklift but I have aspirations to be something more. Study and hard work lie ahead.

At the same time it takes work to keep on the straight and narrow, temptation is everywhere and one slip up could lead me back to jail.  

I do the right thing for my family and friends that have showed faith and support from day one.

9 To 5

Every victory is its own infinite glory.

20/11/2020

Sanguine and satisfied

Cos I’m holding down the 9 to 5

Pay cheques and prospects

References and resumes

Work smarter not harder

And keep the boss sweet as I find my feet

The dizzying heights

Of the endless mundane

Getting by and keeping sane

As I forge on through

The light of recovery

From the hardest time

Freedom sublime

And some that share

The cross to bear

Of the weight of our regrets

Destiny manifest

So walk on

Head held high

Stiff upper lip

Take pride

In the bravery on show

In the fog of the great unknown

And every victory

Is infinite glory

So wish me luck

As I tell my story

There’s a lyric from one of my favourite bands; ‘Against Me!!’ that goes: “Every mistake is now our own infinite failure”. So it makes sense that the opposite is true that every victory is its own infinite glory.

My life is incredibly mundane in some ways and an epic adventure in others, wish me luck as I chase down a life rich in meaning and joy.

Celebrity

Nothing much gets to me.

26/11/2020

Nobody knows my troubles but god

Well that’s not true

My city knows my soul

And I hear them whisper

“That’s Christo”

A small town celebrity

And nothing I haven’t done

A punk rock musician

They said in the news

But I’m so much more

The warrior poet

Lover, brother, son

The wild one

The life unique

And a spark in my soul

That’s blessed me with

Friends for life

And a strange and formidable reputation

The nightmare cards were dealt

Lucky to be alive

And I intend

To take full advantage

Of that fact

And live life to the fullest

So god bless this mess

Strive to be the best

Rise like cream to the top

Of my corner of the world

Laugh and dance and play

Forever til kingdom come

God bless this mess. As painful as it’s been for too many years without the hard times I wouldn’t have found the place I’m in at the moment where nothing much gets to me and the future looks brighter and brighter.

Canberra is a small city and it’s true that people occasionally recognize me from the news, I dream that someday I’ll move to an oasis of anonymity and leave the stigma of jail far behind me.

Warrior Poet

At the end of the day we do it for the love.

21/11/2020

Sometimes I wonder

Why all my life

I’ve been a creative type

And it clicks and makes sense

That it’s all a way

Of tricking the world

Into loving me

It’s a way of being something more

Than just a 9 to 5 drone

I’m not a blue collar worker

I’m a warrior poet

Cos which would you rather be?

And weaving webs of meaning

Searching the ether

For profound understanding and wisdom

Of the world around us

Seems like a better vocation

Than watching reruns of

American sitcoms and reality TV shows

So as always

I bleed onto the page

Lock the rage inside a cage

Seek meaning through my art

So the world knows my story

Look and play the part

Of a quest for lyrical glory

These patterns on the page

Give me hope

And pride

And a better life

Than just scraping by

It seems to me that pretty commonly achievement and creativity is in some way or another a way of tricking the world into loving us. Writing books and poetry, making music and visual art often seem pointless from a financial or survival perspective but we do it for the love, attention and status that we get in return.

At the end of the day we do it for the love.

Broken Dreams

Time heals so let it pass without trauma.

15/08/2020

Can I ever really heal?

The wounds I caused my family

As we tentatively navigate

Our world of broken dreams

Will my mother ever be the same?

Knowing the deeds that led me to jail

And knowing the deeds that took place in that jail

The good son and brother, the best of our clan

Lost his great love

In the furnace of our troubles

And all is forever blackened

By the weight of our regrets

I owe it to my kin

To never take my foot off the brakes

In the challenge to make something more of myself

Other than the cause of black misery and death

When you get locked up you’re not just hurting yourself, you’re hurting your friends, family and loved ones that all suffer in various ways as you struggle through your time.

My crime hurt those around me and it burns to think of it but the opposite effect is true when you start to kick goals during and after jail.

I’ll never forget telling my folks I got second prize in the prison creative writing comp or buying my mother a watch with my first pay check at a real job on the outside.

Time heals so let it pass without trauma and slowly mend our souls.

Forever Golden, Golden Forever

The golden path is no longer paradise lost.

October 2020

Hold on to what’s golden

7 months no breaches

A job and a place of my own

That’s how gravy’s made

New friends, new connections

Precious Banter

Sacred good cheer

And all that hard work is rewarded

So move forward

Let the soul sing

And everything

Improves with time

Let the soul find

New pathways to well being

New moments exploding

With the ripe juice of the modern life fruit

Passion, pride, power

Be brave as we progress

Behave and keep rolling

The hard yards are done

The horrors subsided

The river of shit gives way

To the forest of hope

New dreams and all seems

Golden forever

Forever golden

All the effort put in over the past 7 months is starting to bear fruit. The hard work I’ve done  at my blue collar job driving a forklift is giving me the money to rent my own place and the care and attention I’ve carried with my social life is opening doors to a lot more fun and friendship in life.

There’s still so far to go to really be living a truly good life and to make amends with my old friends and family but I feel like things couldn’t be much better this early on in the course of freedom.

The golden path is no longer a paradise lost but a treasure to be discovered.

Heroes 3 – Tom Gable/Laura Jane Grace

Tom Gable changed gender in a move that surprised, shocked and even delighted some.

5/11/09

When I was a young man

My hero was Tom Gable

The singer of Against Me!

I even loved the solo stuff

Saw him play at a youth centre

And Against Me! at ‘The Green Room’

Me and my mate locked shoulders

And sang the oh way oh’s of their best song

My mate didn’t believe me

When I told him they had signed

To a major record label

And where I had previously disowned Greenday

I forgave then and listen to ‘New Wave’

As I walked around Paris

Tom is a woman now

Calls himself Laura Jane Grace

I’m still processing it

It’s not that I care about his gender

I just liked him so much as Tom

I hope he’s found his peace

Tortured as he was

‘Joy’ and ‘Cliché Guevera’

Are still all time favourites

Listening to his/her stuff

Fills me with a thousand thoughts

And myriad emotions

I still think about Tom Gable

Punk rock idol number 3, Tom Gable, changed gender in a move that surprised, shocked and even delighted some. Cynics thought it was a way of recovering alternative culture credibility but I think he just had a feeling he would be more real and content with the choice.

Against Me!s early stuff I found to be profoundly moving and poetic, I still listen to them to this day.

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